p o u r

trying to understand is hard right now..
but where my understanding stops, my heart takes over..
i trust u, always have. and always will..
i wont hate or loathe or despise or curse or that sort.. i cant
what i can do is offer every ounce of help i can..

i know u have ur own problems to deal with.. im not saying i dont have mine..
i don't know if its really you or just ur state of mind going thru this right now.. but..
i just hate reading all uve typed because u sound so pathetic, so helpless, so willing to give me up for ur weakness..
for sounding so stupid because i know u can actually fight this.. making this sound so like an excuse for not telling me uve already lost that something special for you..
i'd really hate it if it's really your hormones going into overdrive now and me being the victim of that..
and

i just hate myself for not being able to do anything more
for actually doing what uve told me to do
for doing everything that i did
for not doing the things i should have done
for saying that id help you heal but now im not
for getting in so deep

but i cant stop worrying
caring..
or loving..

its so hard for me to read al uve said because to me it sounds like ur already giving up

giving up on something we have fought for..
giving up on something we have always been searching for..
giving up on me..

im not...
i want to help..
i dont want you to go throught this alone..
i dont care when u say you dont want to hurt me.. ur only gonna make it worse keeping this up..
i dont want to push you.. but i cant just stand here seeing u fall..
yet i cant offer you what you dont want to accept..
i want to save you..

u know..
u cant say u dont want to hurt me when ur doing this..

u know..
i cant and i wont hate you because ive been trying to tell you that this is normal..

if it isnt.. it means that there is actually no love..

hear me at least on this..
if you want to protect me..
protect me from you..
this side of you..
no..
not this way..
now all you're doing is running..
and leaving both of us to bleed it out..

i know uve gone thru this before..
and ur friends say u'll come around
i know your strong
and im so proud of you that you are
but im gonna bleed to death
im done asking u to let me help..
u say i am..
im not..
im making it worse

please know that
i know what ur trying to do..
to get urself away from me..
please know that i know..
that u need time..
im really trying to give it to you..
i really am..

but at the same time
im trying to rope you up from ur corner..
i need a little tug now and then to let me know..
ur hanging on at the end
ur still alive
ur still there
and that would just give me new strength to pull through..

dont say
" leave me alone here,
no dont you dare come down
i dont want you to get ur hands dirty
or ur arms scratched
or ur clothes muddy
i dont want you to endanger urself in the end
forget u saw me here
go away
i'll find a way up myself "

all you're gonna hear from up here is
"no i wont,
i cant leave you down there
not while you've seen what its like up here..
how beautiful it is.."

"hang on okay??
here comes the rope..
im coming down
and nothing's gonna stop me
if you want time
i'll wait a while
but im always gonna be ready to get you out"

"i'll get you out
and carry you in my arms
and get you to the hospital
get you some help
i'll nurse your wounds back
till everything heals..
let me..
please"

"but..
if i fall
i'll stay with you down there
i'll hold you
and never leave you
till we find a way out..
i promise"

"here goes nothing"

for her
ive spilled all my pride on the floor
dropped down to her feet
to help her stand back up
and i look like
a
worthless piece of crap
doing it..
but im human..
and i have feelings as well..
here they are

i wait..
i care..
i love..

yea it sucks..
tell me abt it..
but what the hey..

quotes Ash..
"ride this rough wave and come out stronger"

amen amen..

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

anywayz.. its time to get through today..
1st step.. a day at a time..