ive always been known for being stupid, dumb, and just a brainless person. and yea i have to agree.. i know i do stupid things.. when i cant think straight, when im emotionally troubled, when im too high or just when im me.. they fly outta my words and actions like a pump gun pumping a freaking 100 rounds into ur chest a minute.. yea thats me... today.. this post.. i really dont know what im saying anymore.. i dont have the words to anymore.. i just wanted to do something cuz ive tortured myself in silence enough yesterday..
i wanna let it out.. even if it dont mean a shit but at least i'll feel better..

firstly, penny if ur reading this but i doubt you are.. really, thanks for everything youve done.. no, im not being sarcastic or anything of the sort but i mean it. i know i tick u off.. i always have. but ur a great girl penny.. yea i know ur advice may sway here and there and what u say or do isnt really exactly right but hey.. im a friend.. i make mistakes as well.. and i dont really care when u do.. thats what friends are arent they?
i know ur really trying to help. and im so glad u are.. and im so sry because i know that lately ive just been a pain up the ass.. i dont even need to try now.. everything's so numb i just utter out words without thinking and i know ive annoyed you.. you don't need to put up with me... but you did.. thanks penny... ur a great girl.. and i guarantee you. people who are great have great things coming their way.. promise..

and to ash.. i dont even know whthr u'd be reading this but.. eventhough ive known you for such a short time.. though i wish that we would have been able to through a better circumstance and event.. you've been a strength to me in alot of ways.. when i needed a pat on the back, a few words of hope.. you've been all that.. ive put u thru hard times, annoyed you ( i always feel im annoying people and hey i am ).. but uve nvr ever came out snapping back at me.. u are a one in a million person u know ash? and with you being here.. for her.. i cant ever be more thankful that someone like u will always be there for her.. and you of all people know the best about what im going thru.. and i cant thank you enough.. i'll buy u a drink or sth one day k? haha.. no shutup and just take it when i do.. haha..

damn it this feels like some oscar acceptance speech.. haha..

but.. the only oscar im getting this year is for the best loser

now.. im too scared to say things cuz ive said enough. cuz ive done what i think i need to do. cuz ive pissed enough people off who were only trying to help. cuz ive said things that i thought id nvr possibly utter out.. but im stupid. i do that.. right now.. i wonder who would even begin to believe me.. would anyone believe that i.. this dumb boy.. did something dumb for the good of all for once in his life.. i dont know i dont wanna say anything.. talk to anyone anymore. no, not anyone in particular.. just the whole world..

now.. im too scared to listen.. ive heard enough from people who just keep saying things i really dont want.. and dont NEED to hear. fine i know what ive done.. but cant u just cut me a LITTLE slack? thats all im asking.. let others be.. let me be.. right now the more i hear from anyone or anything.. the more my already mixed up screwed up wound up self gets mixed up screwed up and wound up even more..

now.. im too scared to pick up my phone.. to look at anything that comes my way.. to close my eyes at night.. to open them again in the morning.. to face life itself for now.. yea well, this is me.. and this is what happens to me when i know ive done something i nvr wanted to do...

but why in the world did i?

i went thru the whole of yesterday evening and nite thinking..

i dont wanna say anything anymore.. i really dont wanna keep saying sry anymore cuz so many people take me being soft for granted and they freaking piss me off.. but i cant help it.. i always feel guilty.. as much as im saying all this right here. it sucks.. it burns me inside so badly..


shit this. im so freaking dissapointed with myself.. no, thats not the word..
im so pissed, im upset, i feel disgraceful even looking in the mirror now.. even typing all this because everything ive ever done is crap.. lately that is.


last year.. i swore to myself, i made a promise for life..

if i CAN do something about anything
i'd do it
no matter what
no matter what i feel
just what i know will help
what i think is right
cuz i dont want to regret
not doing anything about
when i could have made it better

yea i remember why i said those words like it was just yesterday.. well, for one thing.. for this.. at least i can be a little proud of my useless self of what ive done yesterday.. and

i kept those words.. one cheer for ming.. yay..

but now at least i wont die.. nope..

dyings not for me..

its not for anyone damn it

have hope

=D ahaha.. see what a little sugar does to ming